Crunch!
Bitter, crisp leaves crackled as I carefully stroll through the mystical, vibrant jungle. Trees stand tall and proud waving in the calm, cold wind. The vivid colour of the trees and its fresh, fruit astounds me as I continue journeying deeper inside.
Trampling against the fallen branches and twigs, seem to make out a blunt figure in the distance, It’s shadowy outline intimidate me as I stopped in my path trying to figure out on what it was, the figure started walking towards the light revealing it’s true identity, It was a old, rural man who had some fish skewered through some sturdy stick.
Starting to hear a willowing wind, gushing towards a shallow crack in the surface, my bare feet start to dampen. I start feeling thick sludges of mud swishing about in between my toes, my instincts told me to pursue this feeling so I start walking a bit faster. With each step the mud gets thicker and thicker, within a flicker of a moment I start smelling a fresh, water-like scent. Adrenaline rush within my whole body, sprinting faster than a bullet, my whole body feeling light with no pain, the sound starts getting quieter and quieter, when I crash the ground in a dramatic stop and that is when all of a sudden, I catch a glimpse of it!
A wide, majestic, serpent-like river. The luscious river was surrounded by huge palm trees, colourful birds, gem-like leaves, prickly bushes and small boulders. Waiting for my senses to come back to me, I start to feel tempted and curious. Wanting to feel the river with my cold and bare feet. I listen to the harmless miniature songbirds melodiously sing in choir. As I Tilt my head slowly, to see that the river was even bigger than anyone imagined, meandering itself through more silhouetting trees as it bluntly disappears into the horizon.
Crack!
The shards of a sharp broken glass bottle wedged itself tightly through the dry grass right into the soles of my shoes. Treading through the blood-curdling wasteland, I immediately notice the tall, rusted light pole patched up in vines and bushes, moulded into the ground. Wind was humid and moist, almost suffocating. Looking around I start to notice a huge change in the environment, the immense trees that used to be loaded with life and vitality was peeled off their beautiful, diamond like leaves, abandoning a dead, empty like shell.
Wandering carefully along the dirt path, stepping over any rubbish as I walk along, seem to detect a few people crafting tools as they were chatting away fluently, in our traditional language.
Silently strolling through the coarse, rough landscape. The suppressing air gets thicker and harder to breathe through. Soil solidified as I compact it with my foot, deserting in a uneven impression. Destroyed blurbs imprint themselves into the rugged trees.
Air starts getting hotter and hotter with each step, nearly panting for fresh air, can’t help but vapour a grime; stinking dead animal-like scent from entering my stiff nostrils. Looking up I start paying attention to the pitch black particles floating around the misty area. Beginning to focus on the harmonious lullaby the high pitched larks sung, I carelessly wander towards a expansive dam, that laid across the satisfying stream, cascading water to the opposite side. As the sun was going to set at last, can’t resist the urge to recollect the fond memories this spot conveyed to me, regardless of whether it has transformed differently than ever imagined.
Despite everything it’ll always be in my deepest memories.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Ibrahim. As requested, I have looked through your writing and these are my initial comments so far:
1) Tense.
You begin in past tense but then move to present tense later in the writing. Present tense does give more “immediacy” (a sense of now) to the writing, so you may wish to keep all of your writing in present tense; otherwise you will need to keep the tense consistently in past.
2) Watch any unnecessary repetition.
“The” or “I” are not always needed. Consider how you could adjust your sentence starters and sentence structures overall, so that all of your word choice is purposeful.
Mrs Waide
Hi Ibrahim.
Well done for presenting such vivid images in this writing! There is some effective word choice here, and you have established a strong personal voice in places.
– In the final time available for this assessment, it is important that you read your writing out loud to find:
1) Places where sentences need to stop and others need to start (be careful not to confuse the use of a comma pause with a needed full-stop).
2) Watch any unnecessary repetition of vocabulary. There are places where you could use a different word to achieve the same meaning; this would establish a greater variety of vocabulary for your reader.
3) Consider whether “I” is always needed. You may be able to take out some of this repetition and the information will still make sense.
4) Lastly, please read through your writing for sense. Some of the sentences may need additional words or punctuation to establish what you are trying to say.
All the very best!
Mrs Waide